Acquaintances LAG hasn’t checked in on for a while. This doesn’t mean that his perceptions are unfounded-our society is terrible to its elders in general and its LGBTQ elders in particular-but there may be opportunities in his life for intimacy that he’s not tapping into. “He has a job, friends, a therapist, a life. “LAG may just need to get more out of the relationships he already has,” said Hobbes. The most effective way to address loneliness, according to Hobbes’s research, is to confront it directly. This is why advice like ‘Join a club!’ or ‘Chat with your waitress!’ doesn’t help lonely people.” Being lonely, on the other hand, is subjective: You feel alone, even when you’re with other people. “Being alone is an objective, measurable phenomenon: You don’t have very many social contacts. “But there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely,” said Hobbes.
Loneliness, Hobbes explained to me, is an evolutionary adaptation, a mechanism that prompts us humans-members of a highly social species-to seek contact and connection with others, the kind of connections that improve our odds of survival. Hobbes is a reporter for HuffPost and recently wrote a mini-book-length piece titled “Together Alone: The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness.” During his research, Hobbes found that, despite growing legal and social acceptance, a worrying percentage of gay men still struggle with depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. “In the longer term, well, that’s going to take a bit more to unpack.” Any advice? -Lonely Aging GayĪ: “In the very short term, LAG needs to tell his therapist about the suicidal ideation,” said Michael Hobbes. I cry often and would really like it all to end. However, this painful loneliness, depression, aging, and feeling unnoticed seem to be getting the best of me. I go to a therapist and take antidepressants. I am well groomed, employed, a homeowner, and always nice to people. Most nonwork days, my only interactions are with people in the service industry. Now I go totally unnoticed or am quickly ghosted once I reveal my age. When hookup apps were introduced, I used them infrequently. I have social anxiety and can’t go to bars or clubs. I have a few lesbian friends but no male friends. I have always told myself that’s OK I’m not a people person or a relationship kind of guy. In my early 20s, I hooked up off and on, but it never developed into anything.
I am so lonely, and the painful emptiness I feel is becoming absolutely unbearable. Q: I am a gay man in my late 50s and have never been in a relationship.
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